Debilitating self-consciousness

“8th of May, 2011

This piece is dedicated to - the beauty of my vagina. :)

The potential violence/ power/ debilitation of self-consciousness:

I didn’t start becoming self-conscious of my vagina until I had wanted to be sexually intimate with boys. Suddenly I had a whole new perspective of my vagina - the critical eye had awoken. It looked uglier and darker, and the labia minoras were larger than I had remembered. I agonised over this for weeks, not allowing my boyfriend to touch me or see my vagina as I tried to sort out what to do - the situation needed to be “fixed”, clearly not accepted.
Because I was fairly ashamed, I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone else; I was debilitated, stuck in my own despair and unease.

One desperate night I had the urge to pick up the scissors, head to the bathroom and try to chop my labia minoras back, to trim them short and neat, like my labia majoras. I sat there agonizing over the procedure, balancing the possibilities of: how easy it would be, how much it would hurt and how desperate I was.

…I spent several hours there, for several nights over the space of several months.

Each time, I would begin to cut into the skin, feeling the cold metal against my soft flesh and realising the pain I was going to inflict on myself – there had to be another way! I wasn’t aware of labial reconstruction, even if I was, I probably would have been too embarrassed to admit the supposed imperfection.

Thus, as our relationship continued, I continued to hide my vagina, not allowing him to touch or see it, even the first time we made love. This ashamedness continued on less severely through a relationship with another boy who openly and lovingly praised my vagina and its beauty, however, I had not found it in myself to love and cherish it.

However, with time, I have come to appreciate, and open to the wonders of my vagina because of the beauty, pleasure, sacredness and transcendental experiences she embodied and can offer me at any time. The external expectations and images in my mind of what a vagina should be like have faded away. I have moved away from the dis-ease and towards beginning to realise the vastness of feminine beauty.

I now look at my vagina with awe, gratitude and reverence - she is truly amazing.
However, I still have so far to go on the path of honouring, revering and listening to her. Viva la vagina!”


Yoni Kundalini

“There is nothing in the universe more beautiful than my Yoni. My Yoni is the flower which contains within it the mystery of all existence.”

I echo the sacred formula internally, feeling fully present and full of Divine grace.

I am at a Tantra Shakti weekend for women, in the forest in the Swedish countryside. There are 20 of us here in the chalet, learning Tantric techniques and doing secret rituals to awaken the state of Shakti – the Divine Feminine, the primordial cosmic energy of creation, the creative potential of the Universe. The magical weekend is drawing to a close, the vibration is high, and there is an almost perceptible buzz permeating the room as we prepare for the final ritual – The Yoni Worshiping ritual…. Specific details of the ritual are secret, but essentially, after a series of powerful invocations of various sources and meditations to encourage the activation of the heart chakra and resonance with the Divine Feminine power of Shakti, each woman is invited to the front of the room. Here, she sits on a chair, naked, saying some mantras and a sacred formula internally. Then she spreads her legs wide open, exposing her Yoni to the other women, who sit in a semi circle facing the chair. The other women sit in meditation and honour her and her Yoni - seeing her as a perfect and unique manifestation of Shakti, and her Yoni as the infinite mystery of existence, as creation itself. For thousands of years, women in many cultures of the world have held similar rituals of Yoni worshiping.

We are all beautifully naked. I am struck by the overwhelming aesthetic beauty of the feminine form – such utter perfection. We are stripped bare, nowhere to hide, nothing to hide from.

Before my turn to go to the front comes I am already having quite an intense experience. I can feel energy moving through my body in slow, rhythmic, pulsating waves. It is as if I am in trance. I feel clear and light, and so present in the moment. Suddenly it is my turn, and I rise and walk slowly to the chair, sit down, and say the mantras internally. I spread my legs wide open, offering myself and my Yoni in full surrender. My eyes are closed as I perceive this energy flowing through my body, much more powerful now. I am shaking, pulsating, rocking back and forth, suddenly laughing, giggling, crying tears of joy, in spasms of ecstasy as the energy is explosively unleashed in my Muladhara chakra, sending strong vibrating tingles through my being. It is barreling up the full length of my spine with the delicate, refined subtlety of a freight train. The tingling feeling permeates my entire body, I cannot move. I am temporarily paralysed. All I can do is experience the Divine grace showering down upon me like a torrential flood, overwhelmed with gratitude and Love. I am one with the Universe, infinitely loved, infinitely safe, blissfully aware of the true nature of my being. Knowing, beyond any shadow of doubt. Beyond the mind. From the microcosm to the macrocosm - from my Yoni-verse to the Universe.

The intensity and nature of the sensations is somehow familiar to me…. I know this energy, it is unmistakable. It is the Kundalini energy. However, the circumstances last time I l felt this were much less harmonious. I was sitting in a café, with my two lovers at the time, when it happened. With the same intensity, the same involuntary shaking and screaming, laughing and crying. The same feeling of dissolving into the macrocosm, Infinite bliss. They had to carry me outside to the park, because I was causing such a commotion for the other diners, who were just trying to eat their lunch! So, this time I feel blessed to experience the Kundalini in such a sacred ritual, surrounded by my Shakti sisters, who are supporting me and sending me their limitless love the entire time.

My body is shaking with tremors and spasms for hours afterward. It takes some time to come back to ‘reality’, and when I do, it is different, again. A new world to explore with fresh eyes. Each time I feel I need to get to know the world again and get to know myself on a deeper level. People seem shinier than usual, colours are brighter. Things that seemed to matter an awful lot before are shown to be completely insignificant, not even worth mentioning, much less worrying about. I feel a state of expanded awareness, clarity, presence, deep calmness and inner peace. The synchronicities are ridiculously unbelievable. Life is a dream. The Kundalini energy continues to manifest in me sporadically. When I feel fully relaxed and open I can feel it there, buzzing through my being. When I receive a Yoni massage from a friend the G-spot orgasms hit me in waves, crashing over me over and over again, with such force that I am convulsing and screaming into a pillow. There are also some more challenging, less cosmic side effects. For days I feel floaty, spaced-out, forgetful, too receptive, super sensitive, fragile. I make the decision to integrate slowly, to go easy on myself, honour myself where I am now, and not to force anything.

When I first make love with my lover after this experience, it is as if we are truly meeting for the first time. I dive into the ocean of bliss inside his eyes, deep into the depths of his soul. As long as I have known him, he has always displayed a profound purity, a wide open heart and a penetrative awareness that is infinitely powerful, IF I can meet him in that place of awareness. This time I do. We are both crying tears of ecstacy. Finally, we are HERE and NOW, together!”


“Embrace our truly sacred cunts!”

“Growing up is a strange thing, and as a women you are usually taught to keep your vagina and all its taboos to yourself. We are very much conditioned in this society to feel embarrassed to speak up about sex, our moonflow (period), pap smears etc. How ridiculous. Women need to feel support from not just other women, but from men also. We can’t have men screwing up their faces at the term ‘period’ but see their faces light up as soon as ‘sex’ is mentioned. As far as I am concerned it is all sacred, as it is a place of pleasure and creation.

When I was younger I used to want surgery on my labia minor, as I have a-symmetrical vaginal lips. I waited years and years for one to catch up with the other! I like symmetry, and thought it was the universes way of bringing me out of my comfort zone.

I soon started to really respect the fact that I was a little different, and alas, found out I really wasn’t that different at all, because many women experience this. One of my friends told me that it was cute, because it looks like my vagina is poking its tongue out! Now my friends and I laugh about it, and they sometimes call me A-Sym, and I feel complete in the fact that I am me and I am beautiful. I would rather not live up to a playboy portrait. Lets get all the REAL women out here! and EMBRACE OUR TRULY SACRED CUNTS!”

Taj x