Debilitating self-consciousness

“8th of May, 2011

This piece is dedicated to - the beauty of my vagina. :)

The potential violence/ power/ debilitation of self-consciousness:

I didn’t start becoming self-conscious of my vagina until I had wanted to be sexually intimate with boys. Suddenly I had a whole new perspective of my vagina - the critical eye had awoken. It looked uglier and darker, and the labia minoras were larger than I had remembered. I agonised over this for weeks, not allowing my boyfriend to touch me or see my vagina as I tried to sort out what to do - the situation needed to be “fixed”, clearly not accepted.
Because I was fairly ashamed, I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone else; I was debilitated, stuck in my own despair and unease.

One desperate night I had the urge to pick up the scissors, head to the bathroom and try to chop my labia minoras back, to trim them short and neat, like my labia majoras. I sat there agonizing over the procedure, balancing the possibilities of: how easy it would be, how much it would hurt and how desperate I was.

…I spent several hours there, for several nights over the space of several months.

Each time, I would begin to cut into the skin, feeling the cold metal against my soft flesh and realising the pain I was going to inflict on myself – there had to be another way! I wasn’t aware of labial reconstruction, even if I was, I probably would have been too embarrassed to admit the supposed imperfection.

Thus, as our relationship continued, I continued to hide my vagina, not allowing him to touch or see it, even the first time we made love. This ashamedness continued on less severely through a relationship with another boy who openly and lovingly praised my vagina and its beauty, however, I had not found it in myself to love and cherish it.

However, with time, I have come to appreciate, and open to the wonders of my vagina because of the beauty, pleasure, sacredness and transcendental experiences she embodied and can offer me at any time. The external expectations and images in my mind of what a vagina should be like have faded away. I have moved away from the dis-ease and towards beginning to realise the vastness of feminine beauty.

I now look at my vagina with awe, gratitude and reverence - she is truly amazing.
However, I still have so far to go on the path of honouring, revering and listening to her. Viva la vagina!”


The day my baby is due

“26th May 2011

Today is the day that my baby is due, as I sit here and ponder, process, purge, cry, laugh, reminisce and prepare for her very eminent birth I also take some time to appreciate my vagina for it is about to undertake a very big task.

My vagina has gone by many names as well as served many purposes, I have always appreciated it, loved it and been filled with gratitude for the pleasure, pain and other sensations it has provided me with over the years. I have allowed it to be abused by myself and others but I have also paid great homage to the temple of my vagina. I have always loved its responsiveness and its never-ending variety of textures - providing a multitude of sensations. I used to love the way it looked in all its complete naturalness of being. However, things are pretty different down yonder these days, for starters, I can’t even see it!

I never would have imagined the changes that my vagina has undergone during my pregnancy, the sheer expansiveness that my vagina has expressed during my pregnancy is incredible. I had no idea that it would grow thicker, be at least twice as large as it used to be, be engorged with blood and be something that I can hardly recognise as my own sweet vagina. My vagina in some ways is not mine at the moment, my child has taken it over as her own portal and has morphed it into a swollen cushion to soften her soon-to-be grand entrance into the world. It has taken me a few months to not feel ashamed of it, to accept it and to get used to my ever-growing mound of Venus. I am blown away by the ability of my body to facilitate all manifestations of being a woman.

I wonder if it will return to how it used to look and feel after I give birth or is this my new vagina - fleshy, full and a monument to motherhood.

I honour my morphing vagina…and look forward to the next incarnation that it takes on.”