“There is nothing in the universe more beautiful than my Yoni. My Yoni is the flower which contains within it the mystery of all existence.”
I echo the sacred formula internally, feeling fully present and full of Divine grace.
I am at a Tantra Shakti weekend for women, in the forest in the Swedish countryside. There are 20 of us here in the chalet, learning Tantric techniques and doing secret rituals to awaken the state of Shakti – the Divine Feminine, the primordial cosmic energy of creation, the creative potential of the Universe. The magical weekend is drawing to a close, the vibration is high, and there is an almost perceptible buzz permeating the room as we prepare for the final ritual – The Yoni Worshiping ritual…. Specific details of the ritual are secret, but essentially, after a series of powerful invocations of various sources and meditations to encourage the activation of the heart chakra and resonance with the Divine Feminine power of Shakti, each woman is invited to the front of the room. Here, she sits on a chair, naked, saying some mantras and a sacred formula internally. Then she spreads her legs wide open, exposing her Yoni to the other women, who sit in a semi circle facing the chair. The other women sit in meditation and honour her and her Yoni – seeing her as a perfect and unique manifestation of Shakti, and her Yoni as the infinite mystery of existence, as creation itself. For thousands of years, women in many cultures of the world have held similar rituals of Yoni worshiping.
We are all beautifully naked. I am struck by the overwhelming aesthetic beauty of the feminine form – such utter perfection. We are stripped bare, nowhere to hide, nothing to hide from.
Before my turn to go to the front comes I am already having quite an intense experience. I can feel energy moving through my body in slow, rhythmic, pulsating waves. It is as if I am in trance. I feel clear and light, and so present in the moment. Suddenly it is my turn, and I rise and walk slowly to the chair, sit down, and say the mantras internally. I spread my legs wide open, offering myself and my Yoni in full surrender. My eyes are closed as I perceive this energy flowing through my body, much more powerful now. I am shaking, pulsating, rocking back and forth, suddenly laughing, giggling, crying tears of joy, in spasms of ecstasy as the energy is explosively unleashed in my Muladhara chakra, sending strong vibrating tingles through my being. It is barreling up the full length of my spine with the delicate, refined subtlety of a freight train. The tingling feeling permeates my entire body, I cannot move. I am temporarily paralysed. All I can do is experience the Divine grace showering down upon me like a torrential flood, overwhelmed with gratitude and Love. I am one with the Universe, infinitely loved, infinitely safe, blissfully aware of the true nature of my being. Knowing, beyond any shadow of doubt. Beyond the mind. From the microcosm to the macrocosm – from my Yoni-verse to the Universe.
The intensity and nature of the sensations is somehow familiar to me…. I know this energy, it is unmistakable. It is the Kundalini energy. However, the circumstances last time I l felt this were much less harmonious. I was sitting in a café, with my two lovers at the time, when it happened. With the same intensity, the same involuntary shaking and screaming, laughing and crying. The same feeling of dissolving into the macrocosm, Infinite bliss. They had to carry me outside to the park, because I was causing such a commotion for the other diners, who were just trying to eat their lunch! So, this time I feel blessed to experience the Kundalini in such a sacred ritual, surrounded by my Shakti sisters, who are supporting me and sending me their limitless love the entire time.
My body is shaking with tremors and spasms for hours afterward. It takes some time to come back to ‘reality’, and when I do, it is different, again. A new world to explore with fresh eyes. Each time I feel I need to get to know the world again and get to know myself on a deeper level. People seem shinier than usual, colours are brighter. Things that seemed to matter an awful lot before are shown to be completely insignificant, not even worth mentioning, much less worrying about. I feel a state of expanded awareness, clarity, presence, deep calmness and inner peace. The synchronicities are ridiculously unbelievable. Life is a dream. The Kundalini energy continues to manifest in me sporadically. When I feel fully relaxed and open I can feel it there, buzzing through my being. When I receive a Yoni massage from a friend the G-spot orgasms hit me in waves, crashing over me over and over again, with such force that I am convulsing and screaming into a pillow. There are also some more challenging, less cosmic side effects. For days I feel floaty, spaced-out, forgetful, too receptive, super sensitive, fragile. I make the decision to integrate slowly, to go easy on myself, honour myself where I am now, and not to force anything.
When I first make love with my lover after this experience, it is as if we are truly meeting for the first time. I dive into the ocean of bliss inside his eyes, deep into the depths of his soul. As long as I have known him, he has always displayed a profound purity, a wide open heart and a penetrative awareness that is infinitely powerful, IF I can meet him in that place of awareness. This time I do. We are both crying tears of ecstacy. Finally, we are HERE and NOW, together!”
“sweetness and light, all my gushing hormotional rage torrents a thick anarchic mess and smoke of a billion scooters buzzing down the highways upon roads upon freeways upon carparks upon billboards and seemingly endless noise.
abrupt, immediate and helpful smiley nurses spread me out on a table. intense gazing genius and passionate eyes penetrating deep into my cunt, here I am once again, metal objects sliding in and out, nurses contorting my scarred sensitive glandular bits in an acrobatic performance like you couldnt imagine, cameras flashing from all angles, haphazardly plappin my clitoris in a funny way I laugh and smile and aaaaall my privacy feelings float out the window and the desensitized life sets back in.
here beautiful people of all sorts of body shapes and forms and beauty dance a dance politely as possible to avoid the masses of swollen flesh and severed nerve endings from erupting the mother load of pain they slowly and surely grow to love because, well, you gotta love your body, right?
vagina boy removed a bunch of over sensitive tissue between my vag and my urethra. i was awake the whole procedure… it was bizarre… a beautiful girl called jib who has massive calm in the stroke of your hand and glittery colourful eye colour poking through her mask stood close to me. she took care of my make cunt numb treatment earlier, she spread me out and slopped gunk in my slit and sealed me up with this liner type thingo. once i was in the operating theatre vagina boy did lots n lots of extra make cunt numb injections, and before I knew it, it was all business haha. i didn’t cry! yay. i didn’t cough. i lay there calm, focused completely on my heart beating and my lungs expanding as calmly to deflate to a relaxing calm zone of zen. i don’t know how long I was in there with my feet tied up high above my body, but it was hard to keep my extremities from going completely to sleep!
so. i survived.
time to chuck shitloads of antibiotics and various pills, visualise the magical process of healing cell by cell by cell. fuck i wish i could climb up on the roof and watch the big tropical storms splatter and flash lightening out on the ocean, all expanse and blowing humidity into my face n shit.
having a leaky eyes-drop-in-bowl fulls type moment… see, before i left australia i got blood and endocrine doctor boy to cut my guts and shove valerate pellets into my flesh, and turns out i agreed for him to use 200mg worth… Which is a considerable amount more than my hormonal receptors are accustomed to handle. So, I’ve been crying and crying my face has been leaking plaploads plappin plap, plonk!
by the time i was in my twenties self-guided, self-funded medical cost became a proud burden for me, seemingly unimaginable to friendly feminine souls but completely respected and understood somewhat. many years of hurt and confusion working long weeks in labour intensive jobs, my flesh and i endured, and we now live a fulfilled life, free, stimulating, ridiculous, celebrated, lumpy and scarred often appreciated.
a beautiful moment of clarity of thought and sweetness. sun up cunt. DAILY! yup. things are pretty freakin amazing.
one day at a time.”